Anyways, if you read my last post you've probably realized that I've had a very bad week. Well after I wrote that post, things got significantly worse. Because I was so worried about my missed work, I had another anxiety attack. Which made me unable to study for my next test. Which caused another anxiety attack. One thing lead to another and eventually I was hospitalized, then "involuntarily" put in a mental health hospital until yesterday. The hospital is probably different than you were expecting, but this post isn't about where I was. This post is about how to not end up in the same position as me.
I think everyone who knows me knows how busy I am. I'm in 7+ clubs, two exec boards, a fellowship, and a job. Along with trying to maintain a social life. This isn't to brag about how I'm able to balance it all, because clearly I wasn't able to.
In my group of friends, some of us can be thought of as diamonds. Higher Ed professionals see so much potential in us, they just want to sharpen us. That way we can shine brightly. Well I'm what happens when a diamond isn't really a diamond. I could be thought of as a ruby. They're totally cool, totally valuable. They're just different than diamonds. Well I kept trying to shine myself, over and over and over again. The more I was shined, the more apparent it was that I was NOT a diamond. However, I just wanted to be a diamond so bad. Eventually I was put up to the test, and I crumbled. Not because rubies are weak (in scientific terms they aren't as strong as diamonds), but because rubies aren't even meant to be doing the same thing as diamonds. Both are beautiful and valuable, they just serve different purposes.
I know that I want my future to revolve around writing, social justice, and advocacy. So why was I constantly signing up for clubs and opportunities that had absolutely nothing to do with the things I'm passionate about? Because I wanted to be perfect. Perfect is subjective and nonexistent. But in the mind of a depressed/anxious person, it's totally logical to strive for perfection. I had to join ALL the clubs and do ALL the things because I needed to be "the best."
But I wasn't happy. Every night was spent anxious and sad. I had so much stress bearing on me, at such a young age. I wasn't enjoying college, I wasn't enjoying living. It all felt like a chore. Something I had to do to get to where I wanted to be. It was happening to my other "diamond" friends as well. Mental breakdowns among involved students aren't really anything new to me. It was something that I accepted as normal. But it clearly wasn't good...
So I crumbled. I should've seen it last semester when my grades were horrible but instead I decided to join more clubs? But this mental breakdown was 8 years in the making. After being depressed for 8 years I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner.
One of the things I learned in the hospital is that you don't have to do things that make you unhappy. It was a concept that had never crossed my mind before. I don't have to force myself to do things that sacrifice my happiness, or mental health. I am worthy of happiness. I am a good person, and I am worthy of happiness. I shouldn't feel guilty when I relax alone. I shouldn't feel like a bad person when I hangout with friends.
I also learned that my mental health comes first. I wasn't maintaining it at all. Anytime I ran out of medicine I was too stressed/busy to make a way to the doctor. Eventually I would go, after suffering withdrawals. I need to make filling my prescription a priority. I also need to be on the right medications. That's something I learned in the hospital. In addition to those mistakes, I also wasn't going to therapy, which I need to go to once a week. I just thought it got in the way of meetings so it wasn't important. That's not how things work. Our bodies/minds are so fragile. You can't put off caring for them until later. They need to be cared for all of the time.
Lastly, I've learned that school does not come first. I come first. I can get a degree but what good is that degree if I'm too depressed to see the fruits of it? So things are going to change. Whether it makes sense to anyone else, or not. If that means medically withdrawing, so be it. If that means quitting things, so be it. If that means graduating late, so be it.
I am okay, and thank you for all of your sweet messages. I know many people suffer from mental illnesses and it doesn't get talked about. Please, let this be a learning lesson. I'm excited to start taking care of myself.
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