However, this goes out to all of my able-minded allies. The ones that talk about removing the stigma that surrounds mental illness, yet engage in behavior that is problematic and does nothing but furthers the stigma that surrounds mental illness.
Your mental health is not less important than, nor different than, your physical health.
We all know that our brains are extremely important. They help us get through our day, they help us make decisions, they literally help our bodies operate. So why would the Brain (one of THE most important organs,) be less important, or different than our physical health? Why? Why would someone ask me why my mental health was more important than their feelings? When they would never ask me that about my physical health?
Because society still has this idea that if you work hard enough, mental illnesses will go away. Society still has this bootstraps mentality. Society still has this mentality that mental health is just a buzzword, it doesn't mean anything.
No one would ever ask me to sacrifice or injure a limb for their feelings. No one would ever ask me to spike my blood sugar, or induce an asthma attack for their feelings. So why would someone ask me to engage in a behavior or conversation that is detrimental to my mental health for their feelings? How is me, saying I don't want to workout because I have asthma, any different than me saying I don't want to argue because I have anxiety?
How is you, asking me to sacrifice myself physically less bad and selfish than you asking me to sacrifice myself mentally?
It is not. You see, I've had depression for 7-8 years. I know how it works. I know what triggers it, I know how to cope, I know what I should and shouldn't do. You know who also knows? The multiple therapists and psychologists I have seen. The ones that have told me to make my mental health my first priority.
Do Not. Ever. Ask me to sacrifice my mental health for you. Because I won't. Not now, not ever, for no one. I will not. Because I would never ask you to damage yourself physically.
Saying I'm triggered by something, isn't an avoidance tactic.
If you had a major traumatic injury to your knee, you would probably not be able to do some things that other people were able to do right? You would probably know that other people could run for long periods of time, and you would be unable to. You would probably know that you used to be able to do those things, but now you cant. So imagine, if you had a friend, who knew about your knee injury, and they just kept asking you to run a 5K with them.
Even after you explained, that running a 5K would cause short-term, or long-term damage to your already fragile knee. Imagine if the friend, implied that they were hurt, or that you were being selfish, because of your inability to run a 5K. A 5K that you said you would run eventually, just not at that moment. Wouldn't that be pretty messed up? Wouldn't you be confused? Wouldn't you want your friend to understand that no matter how hard you tried to run that dang 5K, it wasn't going to be finished today. And IF it was finished today, your knee would be in terrible shape.
This is how it feels when you ask someone with a mental illness to engage in conversations or behavior that they have already deemed triggering, and detrimental to their mental state at the moment. This is how invalidated, ignored, and angry we feel when people decide that we are making our triggers up, and we must do whatever activity they want us to do.
This is how hurtful and insensitive you are being.
Do not ever reduce my mental health to a joke, for your comfort.
It may seem like I am comfortable sharing large portions of my life with people, but sometimes I am not. Sometimes it is triggering, sometimes it is traumatic, sometimes it is uncomfortable. Sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I dont. So if I trust you enough, to let you know about my mental state at the time, and you make it into a joke, that is very hurtful to me. It is the equivalent of someone in a wheelchair, telling you why they are in a wheelchair, and you making a joke about their inability to walk.
Does that make you happy? Does that make things less awkward for you? To lack empathy?
You do not understand.
As much as you've followed me on this journey, as much as you've experienced, you will never understand how I feel. Ever. Even two people with the same illness will never completely understand how the other feels because it manifests itself in different ways.
A couple of weeks ago, while going through a crying spell, I explained to my mom that I was in so much pain, that I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Eventually, your brain literally begins to feel weak. You can feel it giving out on you. Just like any other body part.
I have had to give up the things that I hold dear, my clubs, my friends, my school, I have had to give that up. I have had to give up the things that make me happy. I have had to give up the things that define me, and have defined me for the past 2.5 years. All of it has been taken from me in the matter of a month.
If you expect me to be the slightest bit over that, you must be very confused.
Depression can either make you hyper-sensitive, or numb. You can't access the emotions you need to react appropriately to a situation. It's confusing. It's tiring. You feel hopeless. You want to die. Sometimes, not because you're super sad. Sometimes, you want to die because depression is just plain annoying. It's annoying anticipating having to feel this way for the rest of your life.
So. If I am expressing myself because I am upset over something, it is not your duty, it is not your right, to tell me what I CAN and CAN'T be mad over, and what I SHOULD, and SHOULD not care about. It is not your place to tell me that I care too much about xyz. It is not your place at all to tell a 20 year old women how she should, and should not react to things. However, it is definitely not your place when this woman did not have access to her emotions for 6 years and one of her coping mechanisms IS expressing herself, and is one of the things that was stressed upon in therapy with a licensed medical professional.
I am hurt.
I am hurt by the fact that I have to write this out. I am hurt by the fact that I have to explain things to you that I feel should be known by now. I am hurt by your apparent lack of empathy. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for being upset, and I feel as though I "owe" you something so I shouldn't be able to call you out. But this was not, and will never be okay.
This goes to everyone.
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