February 12th
I know it's been said before but I'm really trying to find the appropriate amount of accountability for people who are mentally ill?
For one, I know, that when I am going through things I have probably hurt people unintentionally, and been completely blind to it. I've just been thinking about how most of the people I interact with have mental illnesses, and how I really struggle with calling people out on their behavior. Like what am I supposed to ignore, accept, deal with? Where is the line? Am I giving these people the same amount of consideration they're giving me? What's the line between loving people despite their "flaws" and letting people completely walk over you? Does anyone have the answers to these never-ending questions?
Don't even get me started between knowing the difference between leaning on your friends for emotional support, and being unhealthy/draining. I do this thing where I'm like wow. Everyone sucks. I'm gonna make a call out post. And then the same people who hurt me interact with the things I write on here/tumblr. So it reminds me that wow. People don't really even know what they're doing. Its so confusing.
February 11th
Let’s talk about the fact that it seems as though no one can criticize Beyoncé. And by no one, I mean, dark skinned black woman like me are not allowed to criticize Beyoncé. The second someone even hints that maybe there’s something problematic with Formation or anything she’s done, in regards to colorism, or light-skin privilege they are instantly silenced and virtually beaten up for it. So that’s triggering for me! I don’t even have an opinion on Formation because I listened to that song one dang time. I don’t have much of an opinion on Beyonce either unless she’s being used as a scapegoat for white feminism. But it is annoying and stressful to see Beyoncé everywhere, because she kind of serves as a reminder that there are certain things we (people that look like me) just can’t do. We can’t call certain people out, and we can’t complain about certain things.
People have valid concerns about the things she does and people I interact with get SO UPSET. They get so mad, and that serves as a reminder that we have to be silent.
We can’t talk about the pain we feel and we can’t divide the movement and we can’t negate peoples blackness. We just have to sit here. We can’t ever mention Zendaya or Amandla or we’re irrational. We can’t share stories of our pain without being met with “well at the end of the day we’re all black.” Heck, I literally can’t even date without questioning if anyone will find me attractive. I can’t interact with people without feeling hideous sometimes. I can’t identify as femme without thinking my skin is inherently masculine.
Like this shit is deep for me! This is MY thing! This is the thing that makes me silent and scared. This is the thing that stops me from talking to everyone. Colorism is freaking traumatic for me. I just feel like people aren’t freaking getting it. People within “the movement” have such basic analysis about this topic. People within “the movement” are sharing the Willie Lynch letter y'all that letter is not freaking real.
Like this shit is deep for me! This is MY thing! This is the thing that makes me silent and scared. This is the thing that stops me from talking to everyone. Colorism is freaking traumatic for me. I just feel like people aren’t freaking getting it. People within “the movement” have such basic analysis about this topic. People within “the movement” are sharing the Willie Lynch letter y'all that letter is not freaking real.
I am hurt. And you don’t get to ignore my pain. You don’t get to sit here and tell me I’m beautiful and like my selfies and funny posts and then ignore me when I say this because it makes you feel uncomfortable. We need to talk about this. The fact that sometimes I feel honored that someone lighter than me would find me attractive. The fact that I have to grin and smile as people tell me they avoid going outside so they don't get dark.
I swear the more I feel conventionally attractive the more I feel like people aren’t seeing me. They are looking at me, but they literally are not seeing me.
February 9th
One day when I'm in the emotional space I'm going to write a super long article breaking down colorism and explaining how it's a structural issue instead of just memes and dating preferences. I'm also going to explain that I don't trust your political analysis if you can't seem to comprehend colorism but can comprehend other systems of oppression. I'm also going to expect this article to be completely ignored because I've noticed a theme of people talking about colorism only receiving recognition and being heard when they are light-skinned 😊😊😊😊 and y'all can ignore this status cause it makes you uncomfortable but I really don't care anymore. I'm tired of light skinned people rallying around each other telling each other they're proud of each other for acknowledging colorism when there are people with my complexion and darker being ignored or freaking chastised for talking about it.
February 8th
It's 2:34 am and I'm up thinking about how when we were trying to share the demands certain people couldn't be found, but they're still here asking me for help with organizing. Black students compiled a VERY short list of things our campus could do to help us combat racism, and you couldn't be bothered to read or share it. But the second you get in a situation you want to ask me, a Black woman, to help you with your labor. This isn't me being petty this is me saying I'm not dumb. I remember this stuff when people want to discuss allyship and privilege.
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