Respectability Politics.

This didn’t happen because we didn’t vote.

This didn’t happen because we didn’t pull up our pants.

This didn’t happen because we curse.

This didn’t happen because we listen to rap.

This didn’t happen because we are on Twitter.

This didn’t happen because we watched reality TV.

This didn’t happen because we didn’t educate ourselves.

This didn’t happen because we smoked weed.

This didn’t happen because we stole.

This didn’t happen because we speak Ebonics.

This didn’t happen because we are ghetto.

This didn’t happen because we are ratchet.

This didn’t happen because we call each other niggas.

This didn’t happen because we aren’t beautiful.

This didn’t happen because we are unworthy.

This didn’t happen because we aren’t humans.

This didn’t happen because we werent the backbone of America.

This didn’t happen because we weren’t resilient.

This didn’t happen because we aren’t amazing people.

This didn’t happen because we aren’t soulful people.

This didn’t happen because we aren’t people who still rise.

This happened

Because of our white supremacist society
Institutionalized racism
A flawed justice system
And Darren Wilson.

Why I Went Missing

This post is going to be as personal as the last one. It's also going to have mental health themes, so if those are triggers for you this is a warning. 

Anyways, if you read my last post you've probably realized that I've had a very bad week. Well after I wrote that post, things got significantly worse. Because I was so worried about my missed work, I had another anxiety attack. Which made me unable to study for my next test. Which caused another anxiety attack. One thing lead to another and eventually I was hospitalized, then "involuntarily" put in a mental health hospital until yesterday. The hospital is probably different than you were expecting, but this post isn't about where I was. This post is about how to not end up in the same position as me. 

I think everyone who knows me knows how busy I am. I'm in 7+ clubs, two exec boards, a fellowship, and a job. Along with trying to maintain a social life. This isn't to brag about how I'm able to balance it all, because clearly I wasn't able to. 

In my group of friends, some of us can be thought of as diamonds. Higher Ed professionals see so much potential in us, they just want to sharpen us. That way we can shine brightly. Well I'm what happens when a diamond isn't really a diamond. I could be thought of as a ruby. They're totally cool, totally valuable. They're just different than diamonds. Well I kept trying to shine myself, over and over and over again. The more I was shined, the more apparent it was that I was NOT a diamond. However, I just wanted to be a diamond so bad. Eventually I was put up to the test, and I crumbled. Not because rubies are weak (in scientific terms they aren't as strong as diamonds), but because rubies aren't even meant to be doing the same thing as diamonds. Both are beautiful and valuable, they just serve different purposes.

I know that I want my future to revolve around writing, social justice, and advocacy. So why was I constantly signing up for clubs and opportunities that had absolutely nothing to do with the things I'm passionate about? Because I wanted to be perfect. Perfect is subjective and nonexistent. But in the mind of a depressed/anxious person, it's totally logical to strive for perfection. I had to join ALL the clubs and do ALL the things because I needed to be "the best." 

But I wasn't happy. Every night was spent anxious and sad. I had so much stress bearing on me, at such a young age. I wasn't enjoying college, I wasn't enjoying living. It all felt like a chore. Something I had to do to get to where I wanted to be. It was happening to my other "diamond" friends as well. Mental breakdowns among involved students aren't really anything new to me. It was something that I accepted as normal. But it clearly wasn't good... 

So I crumbled. I should've seen it last semester when my grades were horrible but instead I decided to join more clubs? But this mental breakdown was 8 years in the making. After being depressed for 8 years I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner.

One of the things I learned in the hospital is that you don't have to do things that make you unhappy. It was a concept that had never crossed my mind before. I don't have to force myself to do things that sacrifice my happiness, or mental health. I am worthy of happiness. I am a good person, and I am worthy of happiness. I shouldn't feel guilty when I relax alone. I shouldn't feel like a bad person when I hangout with friends. 

I also learned that my mental health comes first. I wasn't maintaining it at all. Anytime I ran out of medicine I was too stressed/busy to make a way to the doctor. Eventually I would go, after suffering withdrawals. I need to make filling my prescription a priority. I also need to be on the right medications. That's something I learned in the hospital. In addition to those mistakes, I also wasn't going to therapy, which I need to go to once a week. I just thought it got in the way of meetings so it wasn't important. That's not how things work. Our bodies/minds are so fragile. You can't put off caring for them until later. They need to be cared for all of the time.

Lastly, I've learned that school does not come first. I come first. I can get a degree but what good is that degree if I'm too depressed to see the fruits of it? So things are going to change. Whether it makes sense to anyone else, or not. If that means medically withdrawing, so be it. If that means quitting things, so be it. If that means graduating late, so be it.

I am okay, and thank you for all of your sweet messages. I know many people suffer from mental illnesses and it doesn't get talked about. Please, let this be a learning lesson. I'm excited to start taking care of myself. 

This post mentions anxiety and depression, so if those are triggers I wouldn’t recommend reading this. 

Okay so on Sunday, I had the worst anxiety attack that I’ve ever had. I couldn’t breathe, and my heart rate was through the roof. I had a test that Monday, and I tried to study through the night, but mentally I couldn’t. I honestly shouldve called the hospital, but I didnt. Oh yeah, I’ve already been clinically diagnosed with chronic depression, and anxiety. I was having suicidal thoughts and considering relapsing.

The next day, I felt weak and unable to take the test, let alone go to any of my classes. I called Health Services and they told me to come in. When I came in, my appointment happened during some of the time I would be taking the test. My doctor gave me two tablets for severe anxiety, so I could sleep through the night. She also re-filled my prescription for my anti-depressant. She gave me a note for my missed classes, and had someone walk me over to the counseling center to make a 3:00 appointment.

I went home to relax, and at 3:40, I am finally seen by a counselor who seems to understand where I am coming from, and all of the stress I am going through. We were only supposed to talk for 15 minutes and ended up talking for 40, which I am grateful for.

Before my counseling appointment I emailed my professor explaining the situation and the documentation. I did not tell him my specific medical reason, because I did not feel like being stigmatized. He responded, asking me when the earliest I could take the test was? Since I had spent all day dealing with my anxiety once again, I definitely couldn’t take the test the next morning. I emailed him saying I could bring him the letter the next morning, and take the test that Wednesday afternoon after looking at his office hours. He does not respond to my email.

At 8:30 AM he answers my email by saying NO I couldnt take the test Wednesday. I needed to take the test immediately that morning, and he would be in his office for 1-2 hours. 

Okay so first of all, who says that I have the physical capacity to get there when I literally told you I couldn’t take it until wednesday. Also, the odds of me checking my email that morning when he sent it, were very freaking slim.

I called the counseling office to ask if my new counselor could write my professor a note because clearly I was not in the right mental state to take the test. The secretary informs me that my counselor won’t be in until 10, so she would take a message. After consultation with some people, I decide to contact the Dean of Students office. 

I personally know the assistant Dean, so he called me back on my phone and informed me that he would have no problem emailing my professor, I just needed to sign a waiver to allow the counseling center to talk to him and let him know I was not in the right mental state.

It is 11:00 and the counselor still has not called me back, even though the secretary claimed that she would leave a message. I call once again, and let them know that I would need the waiver. The secretary tells me to come in.

It’s 11:30 when I come in, and I am given the waiver. However, the counselor is in another meeting so I had to sign the waiver then wait for her. Mind you, my next class starts at 12:30. Anyways, at 12:00 the counselor exits her room and speaks to the secretary rather loudly about my situation. The counselor says she does not understand, and sounds annoyed. 

She comes to me in the PUBLIC waiting room and says what is this? I have no idea what this is? What is this about? I try to explain in the lobby but inform her that I do not feel comfortable telling her there. As we walk back to her room she tells the secretary in front of me that she is annoyed, because Kristina (me) needs to realize that she is on her lunch break and she does not have time for this.

I’m going to break this story up into two parts.

In this part of the story, I am upset. I am upset because my professor is being illogical. I am upset that the documentation for mental health episodes isn’t really put into place. I am upset that my counselor dismissed me, and made me feel worthless. I am weak, I am hungry, I am tired. I know that I would not have to experience any of this had my illness been one that was able to see physically. I feel frustrated. I do not understand why I couldnt take the test wednesday, and I do not understand why I have to miss class again, and I do not understand why the counseling center was giving me the runaround. What if I had been suicidal? You do not make comments like that in the counselors office. Mind you, I have had NUMEROUS unprofessional incidents in the counseling office. It’s stuff like this that makes people drop out of school. Dealing with administration, and counselors that don’t care.

Part Two

At the office she is dismissive and says she can’t say anything about my anxiety since that was the first time seeing me. She is annoyed with me for being there, even though I offered to leave. She also said I had this woe is me vibe and I should think about how that could be detrimental…. I said I don’t feel as though people are out to get me. I feel as though people don’t care. I mean clearly they don’t because she just complained about seeing me..

Okay, so after the counseling office, I’m in tears. I call my mom telling her that I have nothing I can do. I don’t have the option to fail the class, without losing HOPE. I can’t take the test and get a zero.

She tells me to try to see the Assistant Dean of Students personally. I go to his office but he’s in lunch. At this point I feel like giving up. But he comes back, and clears his schedule for me. 

We talk, and he empathizes with me. He says he understands that it is not in my nature to miss a test, and he knows I wouldn’t do it intentionally. He says he understands there was a reason that I was given prescriptions. He emails my professors today, and tells them that I can’t make class. However, he still can’t email the class I had a test in without permission from the counselor who is apparently still on break.

He also informs me that I have a right to file a complaint against the counselor. So basically,I’m just waiting to see if I will be cleared for missing the test. The thing is, even if I’m cleared, the professor still has every right to deny me the chance to take the test.

I’m feeling scared. I’m feeling like I have to prove the severity of my mental illness, which is ridiculous. What if I relapsed and had visible cuts? Then would I be sick enough? What if I went to the hospital? Then would I be sick enough? That is not how this works for any other illness, why must I prove myself now. I also feel dehumanized. It is very traumatic for someone with a mental illness to have to explain deep personal parts of their life several times to people who are relatively strangers. I also feel as though professors shouldn’t have the right to just refuse to listen to the Dean of Students. I feel like I’m so alone. I’ve put so many hours into promoting this school, I’ve been overworked by this school, and definitely underpaid. I do it because I love it, and because this school made me feel as though I was at home. But now I feel as though people don't understand that that my future is in the hands of these people that I pay thousands of dollars to, and I feel as though I've been mistreated. So we will see how everything plays out. I almost had to go to Nutrition but I emailed my professor. He was nice and allowed me to take my test on Thursday, and turn in a project late with no penalty to my grade. So now I’m just waiting. 

If you've made it down to here, I say all of this to let people know that I FINALLY understand why people need to withdraw from school. I get it. I understand. I have never been so tempted until today. The back and forth, the added stress, everything. I get it. 

Had this been any other medical issue I would not have had to do this, and the fact that I did confuses me and makes me upset.

I LOVE my school, but this isn't a Georgia Southern problem. The stigmatization of mental illness is society's problem. 

There's no nice version of street harassment.

I haven't written on here in a while because I've been working on a series of short stories and poems that are probably not suitable for blogspot.

Anyways, by now we've all probably seen the infamous Street Harassment video. If you are relatively involved with social justice, or just happened to stumble across articles written on the video, you've probably seen some analysis of the video. You've probably heard about the fact that all white men were edited out of the video, and the video's director has strong ties to gentrification.

Even though those important aspects of the video sucks, I think that the video brought up Street Harassment, and also sparked many conversations.

I've heard many men confused at the fact that they "just can't say hi," to women anymore.  These men are completely capable of understanding that hollering , whistling, or saying crude things to a woman is not okay. They see how these things can be considered harassment, and they know they would never engage in that type of behavior. They want to remind women that #notallmen. 

That's cool or whatever, but I think we are missing out on a key fact. The fact is, if a woman does not want you to talk to her, she does not have to respond nicely when you do so. 

I don't think men realize how annoying it is to be on the phone, or late to a meeting, and a seemingly nice guy comes up to them to start a conversation. Women simply don't have the time. 

Sometimes women don't want to talk to men because they are not attracted to them. Sometimes the men smell. Sometimes the men are too short, or sometimes the women don't even like men. But now they have to take time out of their busy schedule to feign interest in a guy they will never see again.

Why don't the women just ignore the men? Because they could literally be murdered. If you think this is an exaggeration, turn on any news channel. School shootings have started over women rejecting men. 

I don't think men understand the instant fear that enters many women the second they see a guy eyeing them out of the corner of their eye. It's stress-inducing and sometimes scary. What if women have been victims of sexual assault? What if they have anxiety?

Why must our comfort be sacrificed for the confidence boost of a stranger?

I'm a firm believer in the idea that someone's reaction to something that shouldn't have happened in the first place, can't be judged. Meaning, if you have no business talking to me, I shouldn't be judged if I don't take too kindly to the fact that you're talking to me.

Men have been conditioned to think they are God's gift to women. They have been conditioned to believe that the fact that they took time out of their day to talk to me, is doing me a favor. 

Remember this.

If you aren't paying my bills, if you aren't a relative, if you aren't relevant to my life in any way, I am under no obligation to be nice to you. Especially when you're hitting on me. 

I'm Not Like Those Feminists.

You know when we were younger, and we just wanted guys to like us? So we tried to do whatever it took for them to see us in a different light?

 We heard guys complaining about girls who started drama, or girls who wore too much makeup, or used certain phrases, or talked about certain subjects.

So, not only did we go out of our way to eliminate that behavior, we also had to let our potential love interests know that we were "not like those girls." 

We were a different breed of girl. A smart girl, a worldly girl. The perfect mix of femininity and chillness that all of the guys wanted. We wanted to be a girl that exuded confidence and maturity, not one that got caught up in frivolous things that other girls our age liked.

Thinking back on those days is actually really sad for me. I was so young. I didn't know what a feminist was, and I certainly didn't know what internalized misogyny was. I just knew that I didn't want to be the last girl to experience her first kiss.

Now that I'm older, I'm able to analyze society, and the way it values the interests of young women. I'm able to realize that anything young women tend to cling to, is inherently "bad" or "stupid" or "vain", and therefore young men need to constantly express their disdain for it.

I'm realizing that there was nothing wrong with the girls who wore makeup, or talked like they were from the valley. They were just different than me, and that's okay.

I'm realizing that it even though I wasn't like "most girls," I didn't deserve a badge of honor, or my first kiss.

You would think that this type of thinking wouldn't be popular within the feminist movement, but it actually is.

Not a day goes by where I don't hear a phrase from a so-called feminist, trying to prove to a man that she's "not like most feminists."

Either it's because she doesn't hate men, or she shaves her armpits, or she uses tampons, or she has conservative values, or she actually values her appearance. It pretty much leads to her rambling about how evolved she is compared to them, and by the end of the conversation she's pretty much agreeing that she's not a feminist at all. 

It's totally cool that you aren't a carbon-copy of other feminists. It would be boring and sad.

But I just don't like this cycle of women-on-women bashing that happens throughout our lives just so that we can impress men.

You don't have to be like "those feminists." 

You just have to be yourself.

They just have to be themselves.

We all just have to be ourselves, and not sacrifice our values, just for the sake of fitting in.

-Kristina 

I just really want to talk about the steady stream of people disliking me because of my radical views.

Two weeks ago, it was a girl upset about my school talking about sex. She was also upset about the right that I have, to talk about her, on my blog. It pissed her off so much that she wrote a 600 word letter to the editor. 

That week, I also made someone in mymulticultural  student center upset because I did not approve of their terminology when discussing people who identify as transgender, and their depiction of black women.

Last week, I managed to get into an argument with a well-known misogynistic and homophobic "activist" on my campus, who continues to make disparaging remarks about black women, and constantly tells women what they should be doing in regards to their own sexuality.

I also pissed people off in class when I explained the myths about stop and frisk, affirmative action, and welfare. I also talked about the dangers of racial profiling. 

Today, I ended up in an hour long facsbook argument with someone about Allyship. I also was in a 1.5 hour debate with "allies" about their problematic behavior. I also pissed off white people when I talked about white privilege and called them out on their problematic statements. I now have people talking about me on YikYak, and asking for my safe space certification revoked.

Had this been a year ago, I would have broken down. But now, it gives me the fuel to keep pushing. I'm making a name for myself on this campus. And the more people I piss off, the more people that will start talking about me and my radical politics.

I remember I was talking about Lupita's skin tone, and how my goal was to be as dark as her.

My (white) co-worker scrunched her face and said

Um. I think you should stay the same skin color you are now.