Hi I'm Bi.

If anyone were to ask me to define my sexuality, I would change my response depending on the person.

If I was talking to someone I trusted enough to have these conversations with, I would say "I'm attracted to androgyny towards the masculine side, and masculinity in general. I have no preference on gender/identity." If I was talking to someone gay, I would call myself "queer." If I was talking to a straight person I would say "I'm bi." To sum it up, you know how there are some things that matter to people when they're looking for a spouse, and they don't matter to you at all? Like someone could be really focused on a man's height or religion, or political affiliations, but to you, that is all just an afterthought? Well that's how I look at gender. It's an afterthought. It's something I forget about until the very end.

I really have no preference on these answers, because all of them are true. All of them are a part of me.

The first time I heard of the concept of bisexuality was in middle school. Shows like Flavor of Love and I Love New York were taking over Vh1. A commercial for a new series called Tila Tequila's Shot At Love came on. In the show, Tila would be dating both men and women. I had never really thought about the concept before. I just couldn't conceptualize how someone could be attracted to both men, and women. At school, someone came out as bisexual. While talking to my mother about it, she said "I don't believe in that. You either like one, or the other." That, along with my own confusion about bisexuality, along with years of indoctrinated homophobia sealed the deal. Bisexuality was non-existent and bisexuality was bad.

I'm 21 years old now, and I know that's not true. The decision to date people of your same gender, and other genders, is not a political choice. It's not confusion. It's taking people for who they are, at their simplest form. This isn't to say that those who identify as monosexual are close-minded, or wrong. It's to say that bisexuality has given me some grief, but like with most marginalized identities, it's allowed me to see something beautiful.

Since coming out I've heard the microagressions. From my mother labeling me "gay," because I told her I was dating someone who identified as a woman at the time. To a past lover saying "I only love men because of their penises," which is just transphobic and all types of wrong. To being accused of being transphobic for identifying as bi, even though many trans people identify as bisexual. There's also the arguments over the use of the word "femme," and other queer political thought that most straight people wouldn't know about.

I try to stay out of these debates because maybe I still feel as though I'm a baby bi. Most of my friends do not identify as bi, and it can get lonely sometimes. However, this year I've interacted with a lot of awesome Black bi people, and it's made life a lot better.

Of course straight people will question the existence of bisexuality, but it often happens from people within the queer community. I've had people suggest that it's like a light switch. That I should just go back to dating women, or men. Which is wrong, but also those aren't the only genders! Someone told a friend that they were enforcing heteronormativity for having sex with male-identified people even though they identified as bi/pan. The idea that bi people are attention-starved "because that's how the bi people I knew in middle school were." The idea that we are more likely to cheat, when in reality, cheating is just indicative of a selfish person, not a bi person. The list goes on and on, and frankly, I don't have the time.

I'm learning to embrace all parts of me. I'm no longer allowing people to call me a lesbian out of laziness. I'm bisexual. It's not all of me, but it's a part of me. Today is my day.

I love myself.

I can't believe I allowed myself to be in a relationship where I constantly questioned my worth because most times I interacted with that person, I had to deal with mood swings and an overall bad attitude.

 I've been using the past two months to learn about self-love and to change the way I see myself. People have always told me that I'm smart, or driven, articulate, focused, sometimes pretty? I've hard it multiple times and I've appreciated it, and I've seen glimpses of it. However, I haven't internalized it. I haven't accepted these things as fact, and I haven't allowed them to affect the way I see myself.  Now I am. Now I'm able to wake up in the morning and see a gorgeous girl. I see a dedicated friend, a respectful daughter. I see a future world-changer. I see a smart woman. I see a survivor. I see someone who is strong. I see someone growing and changing and improving. I see someone worth loving.

What do you think your life would look like if you internalized compliments? What if you truly believed that you were beautiful? What if you believed that you were unique and valuable? What if you complimented yourself as easily as you compliment your friends? How would your life change? Who would still be there?

 I just know how it feels good to wake up and feel appreciated by friends and family. I know it feels good to have my opinions heard and valued. I know it feels good to know where I stand with someone. It feels good to have doors opened for me, it feels good to be introduced to people, it feels good to feel appreciated. It feels amazing to have people message me and tell me they're happy for me. It feels good to laugh with friends. It feels good to be Kristina. Single, in a relationship, married, skinny, fat. It feels good to be me regardless of any stage I enter in my life. I love myself and that's something that will stand firmly.

It's showing through how I interact with people. It's allowing me to feel calmer and less bitter. I aggressively build myself up. I selfishly do things for myself. I don't settle, I don't enter situations that will make me unhappy. I don't engage with people I don't like. I don't attend events that I don't want to. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not. I treat people's bad behavior as a reflection of them, not a reflection of me.

Many people tell me I'm a good person or they're happy to know me. Now I'm demanding that they act like it. Don't tell me I'm great, show me I'm great. Or expect our interactions to end.

I'm learning that self-love isn't a cute topic for HuffPo articles. I'm learning that self-love saves. Self-love empowers. Self-love is beautiful.

I love myself.

Articles I'm Reading 7/10/2015

Making an effort to read daily is something I'm working on. I can read short blurbs about the news, but I often don't make time to read opinion pieces or editorials. These can help us learn a lot of things that we can apply to whatever issues we are working on. It also allows us to gain insight into how others live. I think constantly learning and acquiring new knowledge should be at the forefront of every activist's life. 

These are articles I’ve saved on facebook or tumblr to read. All of these articles were shared by my awesome friends or even written by some of them. I’m making this post in case anyone is bored or something. I also need to catch up on reading. I’ll go back to these and highlight the ones I’ve read, and bold my favorites.

I hope to publish lists like these every couple of weeks.

Atlanta Gay Bar Taking Heat over Dress Code SIgn

http://thegavoice.com/atlanta-gay-bar-blakes-taking-heat-over-dress-code-sign/

6 Actual Facts on What it Means to be Asexual

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/what-it-means-to-be-asexual/

Asian Immigrants on TV are Gaining Respect

http://www.vulture.com/2015/07/asian-immigrants-tv-respect.html

Latinos Now Outnumber Whites in California

http://www.latimes.com/local/california/la-me-census-latinos-20150708-story.html

A Response to America’s Response to Donald Trump

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adriana-maestas/no-thanks-america-ferrera—-a-chicana-response-to-thank-you-donald-trump_b_7739004.html

The Wrong Way to Stop Prostitution

http://www.newrepublic.com/article/122242/wrong-way-stop-prostitution

Accomplices not Allies

http://www.indigenousaction.org/accomplices-not-allies-abolishing-the-ally-industrial-complex/

We Need to Sop Making Black Women the Mammies of our Movement

http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2015/06/stop-making-black-women-the-mammies-of-our-movements/

13 Trans Latinx Activists Changing The World

http://www.pride.com/transgender/2015/7/02/11-trans-latinx-activists-who-are-changing-world

Plantation Tour Guide Answered Questions

http://www.vox.com/2015/6/29/8847385/what-i-learned-from-leading-tours-about-slavery-at-a-plantation

What Happened to the 9 year old Smoking in Mary Ellen’s picture?

http://www.npr.org/2015/06/27/417782675/what-happened-to-the-9-year-old-smoking-in-mary-ellen-marks-photo

What Marriage Equality Means When You’re Trans

http://www.pride.com/love-cant-wait/2015/6/18/what-marriage-equality-means-when-youre-trans

How Colleges Stop Depressed Students from  Returning To Campus

http://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/how-colleges-stop-depressed-students-from-returning-to-campu#.miqQxQKZL

Anti-LGBTQ Violence Down, Homicides Up

http://www.buzzfeed.com/dominicholden/report-anti-lgbt-violence-overall-down-but-homicides-up-in-2#.fwjk6kyrG

Out In The Night, 4 Black Lesbians Self-Defense

http://www.autostraddle.com/out-in-the-night-the-story-of-four-black-lesbians-convicted-of-self-defense-premieres-on-pbs-and-logo-tonight-294621/

The Cisgender Gaze

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sidney-chase/the-cisgender-gaze-please_b_7591582.html

Black Faith in a Time of White Supremacy

http://stacialbrown.com/2015/06/18/blackfaithcharleston/

Famed Surgeon Jocelyn Elders Says Bisexuals Must Be Counted

http://bimagazine.org/famed-surgeon-general-joycelyn-elders-says-bisexuals-must-be-counted/

Let the World Know Black Women Don’t Need Help from Appropriators

http://theculture.forharriet.com/2015/06/wehelpourselves-lets-world-know-black.html#axzz3fVZONqbG

LGBTQ Youth Deserve Real Education About Sexuality

http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2015/06/12/lgbtq-youth-deserve-real-education-sexuality/

People Are Finally Talking About What No One Wants to Talk About

http://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2015/06/16/414724767/people-are-finally-talking-about-the-thing-nobody-wants-to-talk-about

Jamie Dimon wants to Mansplain Banking to Elizabeth Warren

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/10/jamie-dimon-elizabeth-warren_n_7555204.html

Sex Statistics on Queer Women in Relationships

http://www.autostraddle.com/heres-the-salacious-sex-statistics-on-queer-women-in-non-monogamous-vs-monogamous-relationships-290347/

What Does the TPP Mean for Black People?

http://www.ebony.com/news-views/what-does-the-trans-pacific-partnership-mean-for-black-people-503#axzz3fVZYxUe1

Hilary Clinton’s Shirt is Actually Really Messed Up

http://www.dailydot.com/opinion/yaaas-hillary-clinton-t-shirt/

Lupita and Laverne

On May 13th, 2015, famed actress Lupita Nyong'o wore a beautiful grasshopper green dress to the 2015 Cannes Film Festival. The internet broke.

It seemed as though every entertainment blogger, website, and television show had something positive to say about Lupita. From the way she looked, from the way she twirled, from the way her smile glistened, everyone was in love. Normally, I would have participated in the swooning. I love Lupita. I think she's smart, I think she's likable, I think she's gorgeous. More importantly, I think she's a great person for little dark-skinned Black girls to look up to. But lately, something's been off. Every time People Magazine shares an article on Lupita's beauty, I shudder. Every time Lupita shows up on my Tumblr dashboard with a complimentary caption, I can't resist the urge to roll my eyes. It was starting to confuse me. Wouldn't I be happy to see someone like Lupita gaining so much popularity? 

Then it hit me. There's a post circulating on "Black Tumblr" that pretty much highlights the fact that whenever a dark-skinned Black woman posts a selfie it gets 1,000's of notes. Yet when the same dark-skinned Black woman talks about her lived experiences there is absolute silence. This is the problem. 

The problem is, colorism can cause a lot of emotional trauma for dark-skinned Black women. I've written on it before, so I'll spare you the details. But like any other type of emotional trauma, it's often difficult to talk about. So when we actually take the time to talk about it, it's kind of crappy that it's often ignored. 

So while Lupita's recognition is great, it also sheds a light on something a lot deeper. 

The constant need to force Black women into these cute and commercially marketable packages, without actually listening to what they have to say. This is a very heavy statement, so let me use another popular Black woman as an example. 

Laverne Cox. As one of the stars of the Netflix series Orange is the New Black, Laverne's fame seemed to skyrocket suddenly. She was on Best-dressed lists, the cover of Time magazine, and she seemed to be a constant guest on talk shows. She was a great example of a gorgeous Trans person of color stealing the hearts of fashion bloggers. But like Laverne said in an interview, her fame and popularity didn't stop my friend and Transgender activist Blake Brockington from killing himself this year. It's not Laverne's fault. She has spent years advocating for Trans issues. She has talked about it on multiple TV shows, and interviews. She has dedicated her life to promoting the acceptance of Trans people of color, but guess what she's known for? Being a gorgeous Trans women who's able to pass as a cisgender person. 

Many people believe that reblogging Laverne on Tumblr, liking her pictures, and referring to her by her correct pronouns suddenly somehow cures them of whatever cissexism and trasnphobia they had left in their bodies. By leaving cute emojis on Laverne's pictures, they don't have to answer to the fact that Trans women are being killed right down the street from them. By admiring Laverne's dresses, they don't have to listen to her when she talks about the high number of Trans suicides. By just embracing Laverne's beauty, they have done their good deed, and Trans people are now accepted in Hollywood, and in their everyday lives. 

This simply isn't true. Laverne is a person. She's an intelligent human being with a passion for helping others. She is more than her appearance, and she is more than her fashion sense. She is a talented actress and advocate. She is not the poster-woman for Trans acceptance.Yet every time she speaks on Trans issues it seems to go in one ear, and out the other for most Americans. People embrace Laverne, yet continue referring to Trans people using the incorrect pronouns, and remaining silent on Trans issues. 

The same can be said of Lupita. Even though Lupita isn't as activism focused as Laverne is, she has spoken on racism before. She rose to fame for a movie about slavery! She's mentioned colorism in her awards speeches, and has had multiple interviews acknowledging her Blackness. So why aren't we talking about the huge elephant in the room? Why aren't we talking about the fact that it's a HUGE deal for a dark-skinned woman to see someone with Lupita's complexion rising to fame? Why aren't we discussing the fact that it's extremely odd for someone with Lupita's skin tone to be on People magazine, and the face of Lancome?

Lupita becoming famous won't change the fact that I can never find my shade of makeup at the drugstore. It won't change the fact that dark-skinned women have been statistically imprisoned longer than their lighter-skinned counterparts. It won't change the fact that no matter what I do, I will constantly have to fight to be seen as feminine, and non-aggressive. Does it help? Yes. Does it erase colorism? No. 

Also, Lupita and Laverne are both wealthy and famous. Many Trans people don't have the option to "pass" as cis like Laverne can. They don't have the money or the access to proper healthcare. They fear walking down the street, applying for jobs, doing normal tasks. Lupita is beautiful, but she also maintains a lot of Eurocentric beauty characteristics. Despite her dark skin and short hair, she is small and petite. She has straight and white teeth, and acne-free skin. She has a thinner nose for a Black person. So while it's great that she's getting fame and recognition, it's very easy for someone to like one of Lupita's pictures, then refer to dark-skinned girls as "roaches" on Twitter. 

While a lot of White women are famous for their appearance and not their intelligence, it's different for Black women. When people like White women as celebrities, it's not pointed to as the ending of misogyny. However, when people like Laverne or Lupita, it's named as an example for transphobia and colorism fading out. 

Lupita and Laverne are great, and they deserve every ounce of recognition they recieve. However, it's important to recognize that while their fame represents big steps in terms of representation, there's still a lot more work to be done. 

You know what's really embarrassing?

Going back and reading my past writing.

I don't think I'm going to do that anytime soon. For now, I'm going to continue updating this blog. I have a lot of writing I haven't published on here yet. Life is good. I start summer classes Monday. I have new roommates for the fall. I've met some cool people at KSU. I've started going to activist events in Atlanta. I'm working out more, I'm eating healthier, and I'm making time for me.

Most importantly, I have hope. I have hope that I will get better. I have hope that I'll graduate college. I have hope that I'll maintain healthy relationships and friendships. I have hope that I can get through a day without engaging in healthy habits.

For everyone who has stuck with me and supported me, thank you. For everyone who let me down, for everyone who judged me, for everyone who decided I was "too sad," to interact with, I hope that everything in your life works out. I hope you never have a time in your life where you become fragile. I hope you never have a time where you experience disappointment, and a time where you just need kindness. Because to need that, and not receive it from some people, hurts a lot. I hope you never have to experience that hurt.

During this little hiatus from school I slept. I slept for hours, and didn't leave my room. I laid in bed, and sometimes I didn't eat. I sat waiting for this break to go by, and I was angry. I was really mad at myself, and my situation, and I was mad that my friends got to do things that I couldn't do. I felt forgotten. But then I started doing better. I started going to therapy, and leaving the house. I wasn't tired anymore. I started smiling again. I even began texting people back. Eventually I got a job. I went to that job every day, and I worked my ass off. I ended up quitting to focus on school, but that job helped me a lot. It gave me something to do. Eventually the break went by, and now I'm already starting school again.

I've learned so many things that I can't even begin to write about, because it just blows my mind. But I've changed. People can see it, and I can feel it. This experience has matured me in so many ways. I'm so confident in who I am as a person, and as a woman, and especially as a Black woman. I feel so strong, and it's a great feeling.

So yeah. I'm back. I missed writing, but it was a little bit painful for me. I'm excited to see where this next phase of my life takes me.

I haven't written in a while but I'm still alive! Just taking time to do my own thing, and get healthier. Thanks for sticking with me. 

Checking My Privilege

I think befriending people who’s parents come from different income sets can be eye-opening in some ways. However, it’s not really something I thought about until I came home from school. In college, all of my friends seemed the same. We all lived on campus or in apartments, we all struggled to find food by the end of the week. We all hated our jobs but we all hated not having money. We didn’t care about wearing designer items, we just wanted to be unique and well-dressed. Food stamps didn’t have a stigma. Sometimes you paid for your friends food, sometimes they paid for yours. You would give your friend money to buy alcohol for a party. All of these things were normal, because we were broke college kids. We weren’t “rich,” like “White” Greek life. We knew what it was like to not have Daddy give you his credit card.

But then I started dating someone in a different situation than mine, and I realized I’m a lot like White Greek life. Actually, I’m pretty much exactly like White Greek life except for the fact that I’m not White.

I think that Black people who come from an Upper Middle Class background, are often in an interesting situation. This generation of Black young adults in general, are in an interesting situation. We come from a generation where it’s not as odd to have two Black parents, who went to college. With education, we are granted more opportunities. With more opportunities, comes more money. Sorry, this sounds a little bit like the “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” model, but bear with me.

What I’m trying to get at, is I’m not like all of my friends. When they can’t call home to their parents to ask for large sums of money, it’s because their parents are not able to give them large sums of money. When I can’t call home to my parents for large sums of money, it’s because my parents refuse to give me large sums of money. When they can’t ask their parents for a brand new car, it’s because their parents are not able to give them a brand new car. When I can’t ask my parents for a car in general, it’s because my parents refuse to give me a car in general. When they call home asking to go out for an expensive meal, it’s because their parents cannot afford for them to go out for an expensive meal. When I call home.. you get the idea.

My parents don’t refuse to give me these things because they cannot afford it. They refuse to give me these things because I grow up in a Black household. In Black culture, things are not usually given freely, they are earned. Your parents raise you to know that not everything will be handed to you. Spoiling your child, is usually not a bragging point. This probably isn’t the case when it comes to “White” Greek life. 

This is why, at school it was easy to forget about my parents. It was easy to forget about my privilege. Especially in the town that I grew up in. I would never be considered “rich.” I grew up with people who asked when the last time I visited the Dominican Republic was, and people who were confused by my parents not even considering paying for me to go to Auburn after I got accepted. I wasn’t like those people. If you’ve ever been to Kennesaw, you will quickly realize that the people there are out of touch with reality. In Kennesaw, a 3.5 GPA is bad, and not being able to go to the Dominican Republic is the equivalent of living in a homeless shelter. 

Both of my parents grew up relatively poor. My dad wasn’t poor by Nigerian standards, but he would be by American. He moved here when he was 18. My mom grew up in a country town with 10 siblings, who were all extremely skinny due to undernourishment. She went to an HBCU, and joined ROTC to pay for college. From then on, my mother’s life became a series of lucky events. She got the right job, at the right time. She moved to the right place, at the right time. She worked at a Fortune 500 company for 16 years that gave her the resume boost she needed, and now she works at another Fortune 500 company (Coke.) 

My parents are the exception, not the rule. They both have their Master’s degrees, and got them at a young age. The amount of money they make disqualifies me from any form of financial aid. My dad owns two luxury cars (one is collector), and I live in a house where we frequently text each other because we can go a whole day without hearing/seeing each other. My closet is walk-in, and I do have designer handbags in it. We never have to worry about our next meal, or worry about financial security.

But I also live in a household where my parent’s money, is not my money. I’ve been reminded that from an early age. Money and shopping are reserved for holidays. Designer clothes, all come from an Aunt with bad shopping habits. My friends who’s parents have lower incomes are more likely to get money from their parents, and get a car, than I ever am. In fact, it’s exactly what happened. My dad has the spending habits of someone who never left Nigeria. Both of his cars are paid off, and the non collector one is nearing it’s 20th birthday. You don’t throw anything away, and you don’t waste money on anything. Anytime my mom goes shopping she is met with strict interrogation when she comes home. I have a strong work ethic that all of my classmates can notice. I don’t expect things to be handed to me academically, or socially, and I’m able to work hard to get the things I want. 

But now that I’m older, I also need to recognize my privilege. Having both parents that went to college, is a privilege. Having food on the table every night, is a privilege. Not having to work my whole life, is a privilege. Not having to take out student loans, is a privilege. Being able to take a break from school, is a privilege. All of these things are a privilege and me being a Black woman in America does not negate the fact that I live a very good life. It’s okay, it’s not my fault. But I do need to use, and constantly check, this class privilege that I have. Which I feel as though I don’t need to check often, because being in Statesboro afforded me the luxury of pretending I didn’t have it.

After my significant other/friend/what the hell are we calling ourselves these days, entered my home, she spoke to me in hushed tones. She looked around in amazement, and called my home “extra.” She looked in my closet, and she looked in my room, and I couldn’t help but feel like a fraud. A social justice warrior that lived in a neighborhood full of rich Republicans. An activist who never had to struggle a day in her life.

But remember how I said that my parents were the exception, not the rule? That this wasn’t normal? That still rings true. The fact that my mom had access to all of these opportunities was sheer luck. With White privilege, it doesn’t work like that. If you have your Masters, you are guaranteed to go far. Hell, you are guaranteed to go far without it. You are afforded all of the things my family has, and THEN some. In my family’s case, hard work+education did equal success, but in most Black families it does not, and will not. Both of my parents are significantly underpaid compared to their White counterparts and they KNOW it. Had they not been Black, my life would’ve been even better than this. So yes, I do have privilege, but I am also able to acknowledge that all of the things that are happening to my family, technically should not be happening due to the way our society is built.

Now that I’m home, I’m more aware. I wake up every morning and I look around my big room, and I remember that it is a big-ass room. I look at my makeup collection and I remember, that it is a big-ass makeup collection. I eat my mother’s food with a little more gratefulness. I stop to take in my surroundings when I leave my home. I remind myself that I am well-off, Kennesaw is weird, and that there’s a lot more work to be done.