9/26/2014

At the beginning of Freshman year, there was nothing I wanted more, than to be involved with every single leadership position possible on our campus. I wanted to be a SOAR Leader, a BUILD Leader, a Site Leader, a Community Leader, a Peer Leader. And you want to know what's awesome? I've done four out of five. I've learned so much about leadership, but it's all super cheesy stuff that I could write about at another time. There's one thing I've learned that I just want to focus in on right now.

I've learned to separate the real, from the fake. 

I know that we're in college so we're growing and learning, but I kind of always expected the leaders on our campus to hold ourselves to a certain standard. One where we went out of our way to help others, and one where we were consistent. I expected us to just show some respect to the groups we were hanging out with, and practice good character.

But in the past couple of months, I've been very disappointed. I've heard student leaders use countless slurs, and calling things r****** left and right. I've been harassed for my beliefs. I've heard student leaders allowing people to get away with anything on their watch. I've had student leaders crack jokes about people with Down's Syndrome, or AIDS or other horrible things. They've made fun of people's majors, and they've thought they were better than others. They sat by when injustices occurred. They've created drama. They've faked a passion for helping others. They've made fun of people for the way they look.

The sad thing is, half of these things happened with some of the most visible leaders on our campus. The people who have the most followers, and the people who many others look up to.

I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means. I definitely had that mindset that most younger students had. I had to be noticed for my work, or else doing it was pointless. Luckily, I've stopped being a jerk.

But I am saying that there's a difference between when I hangout with my involved friends, and my un-involved friends. The un-involved friends are often the least problematic.

I think things changed drastically over the summer. I just grew a ton, and I realized what I wanted out of my life. I realized that I was meant to be an activist, and promote real social justice work.

I am involved with the Office of Student Leadership and Civic Engagement on our campus. A lot of the people in there are great, but ehh. I hungout with some students who were very involved in that office, and some of the things they said offended and shocked me.

So now I'm conflicted.

Are we doing things because we care? Because they reflect our morals and our values?

Or are we doing things to fill our resumes? Are we volunteering with special needs kids, then cracking jokes about them? Are we going to places where racial inequalities exist, then saying slurs? Are we working in places to build community, but all we're doing is creating division?

I just can't tell who is genuine anymore, so it makes me want to separate myself from it all because it's so stressful and draining. It makes me want to wait until after college, where I can build a network of passionate people, who aren't trying to win awards or compete with the person next to them.

But then I realize, there's more work to be done. I have time here. I can help create a culture shift on our campus. And as hard as it is, as draining as it is, I have to keep going. I have to keep fighting.

I just don't even know where to start.