I am enough.

Since I've started college, I don't think I've ever been completely content with my accomplishments. 

When I made the SOAR team I was proud of myself, and I celebrated for a day or two. But then I needed to focus on another job I was applying for.

I have this intense fear of being viewed as average. 

Which is a normal fear to have, but it completely consumes my life. It's something I spend entirely too much time worrying about.

I was talking to my Mom earlier this week and she basically told me that I didn't have to try anymore. I mean, I could try if I wanted to. But I didnt need to keep joining activities and doing extracurriculars because I felt like I was behind. I'm allowed to do things that I actually want to do, and things that I find fun. She was saying it out of concern because I don't sound that happy anymore. 

"Kristina, if you just stopped today, your resume would be good enough. It would blow people's socks off still. So there's no need. You can stop."

I was on the bus. All I could do was roll my eyes...

and have a conversation with myself. Which is something I need to stop doing because it's weird as hell. 

She doesn't understand what it's like to be me. I have to keep doing things or I'm going to be behind.

Behind who?

Who the hell knows. But I'm just going to be behind them.

Behind them in terms of what?

Who the hell knows that either.

But I'm just going to be behind them, I just am. 

Well last week I did end up being behind some people. It freaking sucked so I only told three people, because if I told anymore then I couldn't pretend to be perfect anymore. 

One of the people I shared my story with offered some insight. They said a  friend  had helped them recently with a very simple phrase.

"You are enough."

I think when you read it, it sounds obvious. But it's something I had never stopped to consider. The fact that I could be perfectly fine, just the way I am.

I had to sit for a while and think about it. 

I am enough. 

I am enough?

 Am I enough? 

Yeah, you know what, I am enough.

Why am I trying to impress people who don't give a rat's ass about what I am doing?

Why am I breaking my neck competing with these non-existent people that I believe are coming for my non-existent title? 

This isn't fun anymore. 

This is me torturing myself to gain approval from people that I most likely won't see after graduation.

Are these people really worried about what Kristina is doing?

No.

I am fine. I am content.

I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough.

 I am enough.